


Speechless

by giselle_tagg



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, i'm new to this what even are tags
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-29
Updated: 2017-04-25
Packaged: 2018-10-12 15:26:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10493868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/giselle_tagg/pseuds/giselle_tagg
Summary: "I feel the world closing in on me, crushing me with its constant negligence and indifference. I can't breathe. I can't move. But no one else cares. The world keeps spinning, life goes on, whether you want it to or not."No one notices the broken fragments Nico leaves behind. *TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM AND SELF HATE*





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! Welcome to chapter 1 of Speechless! I'm really new to here, so I'm really sure what to say. Enjoy!

Nico's POV

I hated myself.

That was that.

An irreversible fact that was carved into stone.

Why couldn't I just fit in? Be normal? Be liked?

No one had an answer for that because I never asked.

Before you go saying something like "You dunderhead! Just ask them! They are your friends!"

I don't need to ask to know the answer I'll get. It would be something along the lines of "We are your friends! Don't be crazy!"

Actions speak louder than words, and currently I was hearing crickets chirping.

Anyone I like, I push away. Why do I do that? Not even I have an answer for that.

One thing that makes me feel better is replacing one pain with another.

It is a release.

Somehow every incision into my pale, porcelain skin made everything better.

The scars are proof that I can escape, even if it is temporary.

A little voice in my head whispers "It doesn't have be temporary, you know. Push a little harder and every problem won't matter anymore." Every time I hold the small blade, this thought bounces around my head like a ballerina knocked up on Red Bull. "Just a little harder," the voice whispers. I WANT to. So badly. I wanted out. I take out the small blade out of a cigarette box and stare at the scared boy looking back. Tears stream down my face, and I feel like I am carrying an Elephant trying not to explode with sobs. I lift my shirt and reveal a body of scars. As I am about to make a first escape attempt, a loud knock comes from outside the bathroom door. I stop dead in my tracks, and slowly turn my head towards the door, angry that I couldn't escape, happy someone else protected me from myself.

"Yo Nico? You almost done in there? I really gotta go, like now!" The voice makes me jump out of my skin. Percy. Of all people, it had to be Percy. SHIT. (No pun intended, lol.)

"Y-Yeah on-ne s-second-d." I internally scream a series of colorful curses at myself for crying while talking. I quickly put the knife back in my pocket, unlock, and open the door. I duck my head and walk away quickly, before he can ask me what's wrong. So much. So much is wrong with me. So much is wrong with my life. I'm only 15 but have scars that show just how much I hate myself. How much I long to be someone else. Anyone else. I walk to my room and quietly slip in. I collapse onto the bed and am sucked in. Into the void of darkness and fear that is my mind. A small, but audible knock is at the door. I sigh and roll onto my back, waiting to see whom I owe the pleasure but I have a guess.

"Hey Nico? You alright? You seemed upset earlier." I tense. The voice belongs to the son of Poseidon.

UUUGGGGHHHH

"Go away." I say quietly, my voice still quivering.

See? I did it again. I pushed away the person I cared about the most.

I heard a small indigent huff outside the door. Before I could realize what was happening the door flung open and standing in the door frame, there he was.

He wore a shocked look on his face, most likely surprised that the most private person at camp didn't lock his doors. This would be fun.


	2. Chapter 1 - Percy's POV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Percy tries to help.
> 
>  
> 
> Keyword: tries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy chapter 1 from Percy's POV! Chapter 2 from Nico's POV to be out April 21st. 
> 
> Sorry this chapter is so short, next one will be longer.

Percy's POV

My bladder, threatening to burst any second, was growing more impatient by the second. Determined not to look like a complete fool running at full speed towards the bathroom, I settled for an extreme powerwalk probably making me look like a grandma in a shopping mall. That probably wasn't much better.

When I finally reached the bathroom, I tried the door handle. Locked. Of all the times and places, right here, right now. Since this was the bathroom the children of the "Big Three" and Jason was visiting Camp Jupiter, there was only one other person it could be. Nico. Man that kid hated me with his guts. Couldn't really blame him, though. I was pulled from my thoughts as my bladder threatened to explode. I knocked loudly and called:

"Yo Nico? You almost done in there? I really gotta go, like now!" I called through the oak door.

After a few antagonizing moments, an answer finally came.

"Y-Yeah on-ne s-second-d." Definitely Nico. But. Was he crying? I got my answer when the door flew open and a rather red faced Nico walked out and ducked under my arm, which I now noticed was outstretched and supporting my weight. I had no moment to hesitate as I ran into the bathroom and threw the door closed.

After a very relaxing waz, I decided to go check up on Nico. Make sure the poor kid's still holding it together. After a few minute walk, I arrived in front of the cabin made of obsidian. Add the skull torches, and you got yourself a pretty intimidating place. I stood there a moment, when I remembered I wasn't on an architecture tour with Annabeth here, I was here to check on Nico. I walk up to the door and knock rather quietly. I heard a small amount movement, so he is here.

"Hey Nico? You alright? You seemed upset earlier." Rather stating the obvious, but I'm no child of Athena.

No answer. He definitely is in there, I heard him just a moment ago. Nope. No more hiding, I know the kid hates me but I'll have to face him eventually. I settle on trying the handle, knowing it is vain. Nico is the most secretive person at the entire camp, of course he would keep his door locked. Oh well. I reach towards the handle and, to my utter shock, it swung open. Well, this is going to be fun.


	3. Chapter 2 - Nico's POV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico says a little too much and runs away, but is Percy clever enough to see where Nico overstepped his boundaries?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy chapter 2 from Nico's POV! Chapter 2 from Percy's POV to be out April 22nd.

In front of me stood the sea prince, the hero of Olympus, Percy Jackson himself. I would have made some remark about catching flies but I am also surprised. He actually opened my door. That bastard. I certainly wasn't going to break this awkward silence, so I just sit back and muster up my signature death glare. After another antagonizing moment of silence, he finally spoke.

"So… um… hi?" He looked rather uncomfortable, which only added to my fire.

"Well I see you've already let yourself in, so care to kick back and relax? Maybe grab a snack while you're at it?" While I had intended the statement to come out as cold and distant, my voice is shaky and revealing too much emotion. My heart is threatening to burst out of my chest and he walks towards me and sits of the edge of the bed. He looks at me, eyes full of concern, and I am forced to look away. I will not reveal anything to him. I. Will. Not. Reveal. Anything. To. Him.

"Nico? Are you ok? You know I'm always willing to help you." At the words 'are you ok,' and his tone of voice, my walls crumble before my very eyes. I feel my eyes well with tears and try so hard not to cry, but all in vain. Tears are openly streaming down my face and I can feel his gaze upon me.

"Nico- "He starts but I cut him off.

"No, Percy. I'm not ok. I have never been ok. Not in 6 years. Every time I go outside I'm reminded of her. And all the campers look and treat me like some sort of walking pandemic. Not to mention I'm weird enough without being a demi-god. I'm a freak and if I were still in my time, I would have been hung. So. No, Percy, I'm not ok." By the time I finished my speech, I was shaking trying to suppress my sobs. "Now please Percy, just leave. Leave and don't look back and for the love of the Gods don't even think about coming back." I feel tears slide down my face, weakening my argument.

"Nico- "He tries again but the longer he is here, the more walls he breaks.

"Percy, you've never cared about me so why you are starting now, I don't know. But. Just. Go." On the last word, my voice cracks. At this point I'm looking down and I don't plan on looking up. Don't look up. Don't do it. Don't. di Angelo I'm warning you. But, despite my internal threats, I look up and catch his eye. Shouldn't I be more cautious about my internal threats? I mean earlier I was literally destroying myself from the inside out. He sits there looking conflicted, but he is not leaving.

"Percy- "I start but this time it is he who cuts me off.

"Nico, please just listen. I know you hate me, and that you probably always will. But I can see you. I can see who you were and who you've become, and I know it's my fault. I'm not going to force anything onto you but please know you always have access to my friendship." WHY DOESN'T HE UNDERSTAND? I can't hold him responsible for just wanting to be friends. Only I know how I feel. Well Bianca knew but that doesn't count. Bianca. She would want me to accept his offer. But she's not here know, as painful as it is, and I have to make my own decisions.

"Get out." I whisper. Something inside me is gone. I feel empty. Hollow.

"Nico." I can feel him staring at me.

"Please." I whisper, as a rogue tear runs down my face. I feel him stand up and hear his footsteps retreating towards the door.

"Just think about it." I hear him say. And then the door closes.

I can't stay here. I can't do it anymore. Watch him being happy and in love with Annabeth while I decayed in my own misery. It wasn't unusual for me to leave camp, so why am I still here? Oh right. I need to decide on a destination first. New York? Maybe. Well actually, that's too close to here but it is easier to shadow travel to. California. No. The romans were there and if Jason was enlisted in finding me, I'm a goner and it's all plastic over there. (no offense to the actual state) Europe? Italy? Ohhh. I know where I'm going. Venice, Italy, the most beautiful place in the whole world to me. I could easily ask my father for some money, get a job, settle down and just hope my feelings for Percy will die. I may leave camp regularly, but this time I wasn't coming back. Unless very extreme circumstances arise, but that's a given. I pack the few clothes I have into my tattered backpack, my little cigarette tin, and hook my Stygian Iron sword on my belt.

I walk towards the forest, the cool autumn air nipping at my aviator jacket. In the distance I hear the horn blow, signaling it is time for dinner. I head towards the center of the forest barrier, where the shadows are the deepest. Once I arrive, I take one last look at the parts of camp I see and melt into the shadows.


	4. Chapter 2 - Percy's POV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get tense between the golden couple at camp and accusations are implied. 
> 
> Definitely not my best chapter, but I was crunched on time, promise next chapters will be better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am soo sorry that this chapter is late! I thought I had set the deadline for May 1st but I actually set it for April 22nd (oops!), but, without further ado, here is chapter 2 from Percy's POV. I'm not going to set a deadline for myself for chapter 3, only because my schoolyear is coming to a close and things are crazy and lots of finals/big research papers. So see you guys most likely sometime early June :(

The initial shock I felt when the door actually opened, well, the only word that came to my mind is: Uh oh. I had to wait for my eyes to adjust to dim lighting of the cabin but once it did I saw Nico sitting on his bed, looking just as stunned as me. Once the original shock of my entrance faded, he sat back and gave me his signature "This better goddamned important Jackson or I'll smite you" glare. The awkwardness in the air was palpable, and was intensifying every moment. And it was suffocating me. I had to saw something quick, or I would explode. I should have come up with a script, a plan, something but like I said before, this, right here, no child of Athena.

"So… um… hi?" I internally face palm and say quite some colorful words that I could have only learned from some horses in the stables. Nico's glare intensifies and for a moment I'm afraid he actually will smite me, or call on his father to do so.

"Well I see you've already let yourself in, so care to kick back and relax? Maybe grab a snack while you're at it?" The statement itself was dripping with sarcasm but his voice was trembling and thick with emotion. I try to come up with a plan of something, anything, but Athena must still be mad at me for breaking a finger off the Parthenos with a Frisbee. I already apologized! Before I can form some sort of plan, I find myself sitting on the edge of his bed, my fingers absentmindedly fiddling with his "Nightmare Before Christmas" comforter. I look at Nico's outline in the dim lighting. He is folding in on himself, creating the berlin wall of body language between us.

"Nico? Are you ok? You know I'm always will to help you." By the time I finish this statement, Nico's shoulders are shaking and I can tell I've struck a chord. I watch as his walls crumble right in front of my eyes, and am left speechless. I feel as if I'm invading on some personal moment meant to be shared between two friends.

"Nico-" I open my mouth to say something probably irrelevant when he starts.

"No, Percy. I'm not ok. I have never been ok. Not in 6 years. Every time I go outside I'm reminded of her. And all the campers look and treat me like some sort of walking pandemic. Not to mention I'm weird enough without being a demi-god. I'm a freak and if I were still in my time, I would have been hung. So. No, Percy, I'm not ok. Now please Percy, just leave. Leave and don't look back and for the love of the Gods don't even think about coming back."

The way he delivers his speech is even more heart-breaking than the boy in front of me. His voice is quivering. I sit for a moment and think about what he just said. He would have been hung? Like a witch thing? Wasn't that in like 1692 or something? I have to say something. Quick. I can tell he is destroying himself and noticed a deep concern I had never felt before. As I am about to speak, I notice a single tear slowly gliding down his face leaving tear tracks down his face. They don't look very new.

"Nico-" is all I can get out before he cuts me off, again.

"Percy, you've never cared about me so why you are starting now, I don't know. But. Just. Go." On the last word, his voice cracks and my heart breaks a little more for him. I look at him hunched form and desperately want to hug him, high five him, let him slap me. Anything to make him happier. He was hard to deal with in his normal state, but this. This. I have no idea how to approach this and am making to situation worse. I have wanted to be his friend so many times, his shoulder to cry on, but now that it comes to it I can't help him? Sit here looking dumbfounded? No wonder he hates me. I would hate me too. I contemplate leaving, would that the situation better or worse? Would it make me look like a good friend or a complete douche? Gods I have absolutely no people skills! He looks up and catches my eye. There is a pain far deep in his eyes. The poor kid is only 16 and has lost everything. And I know it's my fault but there has to be something I can do. At least try to help him.

"Percy-" he starts, and there is definitely a threatening edge to his voice. I had to say something, at least offer my friendship to him.

"Nico, please just listen. I know you hate me, and that you probably always will. But I can see you. I can see who you were and who you've become, and I know it's my fault. I'm not going to force anything onto you but please know you always have access to my friendship." I myself am surprised by how earnest my voice is. He almost looks angrier but sadder at the same time. He seems to literally deflate like a balloon before my very eyes. So that wasn't the right thing to say either? What was? Am I supposed to harsh and straightforward? Calm and soothing? Gods, Athena I understand you're still mad but please some help of any kind?

"Get out." He whispers and it is so faint I barely catch it. His voice is devoid of all his previous emotion. How he does that, I'll never understand. It's almost concerning how easily he just clams up his emotions.

"Nico." I start, trying to be his friend, although I have no idea where that sentence would go. I'm sorry? Let's be friends? I'm. An. Idiot.

"Please." He whispers. His whispering is worse than any scream or shout he could give. His whispering shows he has given up. I stand up and walk towards the door, my legs feeling like lead. Once I reach the door I turn around and look at him and as he is shifting around on the bed, I saw I see little scars in the dim light. It's probably a trick of the light.

"Just think about it." I say and walk out to the eye burning sunlight. The sun is sinking down across the sky. How long was I in there? Just this morning I was rushing towards the bathroom, and then I checked on him and now its sunset. I am pulled out of my thoughts as my stomach clenches in hunger. Oh yeah. Did I miss lunch? Please tell me I didn't miss dinner. As if on que, the conch horn blows, singaling it is time for dinner. As I am walking towards the pavilion, Annabeth catches up to me.

"Hey, Percy. I haven't seen you all day. Where were you?" I am surprised to hear an accusing tone in her voice.

"I was just talking to Nico." I reply a little more irritably than I had intended.

"Okie-dokie then." She says and puts her hand around my waist, trying to close the distance between us. I unconsciously push her away, and she gives me a glare worse than Nico's.

"What's wrong, Seaweed brain?" She asks, still glaring at me. I sigh. This relationship has gotten more and more tense, she always is accusing me of doing something and I keep pushing her away.

"Just tired." I lie, which has become more and more of a bad habit.

"Hm. Well, if you really are that tired go to your cabin I sleep, I guess." I need some excuse to get away from her, also something I've noticed more and more.

"Alright. See you." I need to end this soon. I can't keep lying, making up excuses, and pretending to be in love.

I walk quickly towards my cabin, my appetite suddenly gone.

Once I reach my cabin, I walk over to my bed and collapse. I think it might do me some good to maybe break things off with Annabeth and take a break from camp for a while. Maybe tour Europe? That could be fun. But right now I need to come up with a plan before I go charging towards the Athena cabin with no script in mind. This was going to be a little awkward.


End file.
